Maybe stay inside today?
Beware these tell-tale signs that something wicked your way comes. Stoners are especially prone to the tomfoolery of the universe, their senses just a tad hazy; so on days of superstitious magnitude it’d do to keep your wits about you. If any of the following happens to you, it’s a clear cut message that you’re boned.
1. Every time you try to light a joint a gust of wind blows your Bic out and calls you ugly.
2. You hit every red light on your morning commute, making you miss an important meeting. Your boss is upset with you and gives you a stern talking-to. You stress-eat a brownie in your drawer forgetting it was medicated. You spend the rest of the day feeling guilty and paranoid, unable to come down.
3. A black cat crosses your path, looks over its shoulder, and says, “You are the cause for all human suffering and also no one loves you.”
4. Your boyfriend leaves you for a sexy budtender he met on Instagram.
5. You drop your favorite glass pipe on the sidewalk and it shatters. God laughs at you. His laugh is so loud that now your eardrums shatter.
6. Look behind you. It’s a cop.
7. You break a mirror, but you’d already eaten too much acid; so you also break the perception of your self which sends you into a wild panic that unsticks you from reality. You never recover.
8. The corner store is completely out of Arizona Iced Tea. You try a brand you’ve never heard of before, and it tastes like pee. Maybe it is pee. There’s no way to know.
9. You go to load your bong and realize your dick’s missing.
10. You step on a crack and immediately run into a coworker you can’t stand who then invites you to his open mic standup set in the back of a ramen restaurant. Because you’re too stoned, you can’t think of an excuse to decline the offer; so guess what, buddy? You’ve got plans tonight.
11. While trying to smoke your one-hitter in the alley behind your job, a witch approaches you and asks for change. You’re fresh out, and this angers her. She casts a spell on you. For the rest of your life, no matter where you are, you must ride one of those hover board Segway things. Everyone thinks you’re a total knob. You ride it through your grandmother’s funeral, and your family disowns you. Your fiancé calls off your wedding because she doesn’t want you to roll up to the altar like a future-man.
12. A bird takes a giant dump on your head, and everyone you see for the rest of the day says, “Wow you look so good today! Did you do something with your hair?” They don’t even notice you’re wearing a big ol’ glop of liquid white shit on your head. They just think poop-covered you is an improvement on regular you. Go with it.
13. You explode.