Worried you might be turning narc?
Are you a narc, bro? If you are, you legally have to tell me. And emotionally, you should tell yourself, too. A lot of narcs out there aren’t even aware that they’re narcs, just narcin’ around out in the wild with all the rest of the narcs and narc-dogs. Fortunately for you, there are some telltale signs to tip you off. Check all that apply and good luck.
1. You have a narc ride.
If you discover that you drive a dark colored Impala with five conspicuous-as-hell antennas hanging out on the back windshield, you’re probably a narc. Same goes for Crown Victorias, horses that happen to also be cops, and most anything with a siren (this includes ice cream trucks, you’re not fooling anyone). If you ride a Segway then there’s a very good chance that you’re a mall narc or as the kids call them, “Blarts.”
2. You keep detailed reports.
Just like Harriet the Spy, you have notebooks filled with meticulous notations regarding your friends, family, and business associates. You have hours of audio taped conversations. You have a box full of geo-transmitters that you’re always sticking to the undercarriage of your friends’ cars. Not only is this paranoid, snoopy narc behavior, it’s also mad alienating. Don’t you remember when Harriet’s friends find out she’s keeping tabs on them? Well they don’t like it, buddy! Not one bit!
3. You dress like a narc.
Take a good long look in the mirror and ask yourself, “is this a narc outfit?” Is your polo tucked in to Dockers? Mesh cap from the ’80s with wrap-around sunglasses or aviators? Do you have a big bushy mustache on your face that’s screaming “FIVE-OH!”? Is there a communication device plugged into your ear with a little speaker in the hem of your sleeve? Is there a bulletproof vest and/or wire underneath your shirt? Is there a big ass utility belt around your waist with a baton and handcuffs and pepper spray and a Taser and a firearm you plan on using if anyone raises their voice at you? Okay, you’re definitely a cop. Or a stripper who is really, really into details.
4. You use too much slang.
You know what most people in the world who aren’t narcs call weed? Weed. It’s easy to say, it’s to the point, and unless you’re a senile gardener knocking on death’s door, you’re gonna know exactly what kind of weed they mean. So stop cramming all the new street terms you learned from the precinct bulletin board and for the love of god never refer to it as “the stuff.” If you ever catch yourself calling up your dealer and mumbling, “um, hey man, so, you got the…you got the stuff?” then I’m sorry, you’ve turned full narc and I’m afraid there’s no going back.
5. You are an actual rat.
No, I don’t mean rat as in “someone who cowardly rats out their friends to save his or her own selfish ass” a/k/a an “informer.” No, I mean a regular rat. If somehow you’re reading this website right now and you look down at your hands and instead of human hands they are rat hands and then you continue to examine the rest of your body and it’s a rat’s body then you’re actually a narc. Not a lot of people know this but 40 years ago most cops in America hired most rats in America to sneak around and snoop for them. Even the rats didn’t want to work with the narcs but alas, they’re just grimy little cheese addicts and the police and government agencies have plenty of cheese.