Now the world just needs an app to make it as if you’d never been born.
There are many scary things hiding right outside of your front door at this very moment: Bugs, ways to die, germs, disease, traffic, weather, demons and ghosts, skin cancer, bad smells, poverty, acne, rich people, and so many things that could ruin you forever.
Thankfully, technology has made it possible to never leave your house again. Truly, if you follow my simple guide, you will be able to stay in your warm blanket oasis all day, every day. But you’ll still have to make money, or become independently wealthy, because home happiness isn’t free.
If you follow this guide, please contact us immediately.
1. You’ll Need to Eat
Obviously you can get delivery from your favorite local joints with the basics: Seamless, Grubhub, DoorDash or Postmates. Or you can get hipster fancy food from apps like Caviar. Better yet, don’t be a gross, money-spending fast food-eating cow: Order your groceries from your local grocer. Nearly all of them have delivery. Or get organic shit from Instacart that can be delivered same day, just like anything on Amazon Fresh. If you’re feeling fancy and like entertaining people (see below), you can make a fresh dinner for your fresh friends with meal kits such as Blue Apron, Plated, or Hello Fresh. Forgot your fave snacks? Sign up for (healthyish) snack boxes like Graze or Nature Box to curb all cravings. And if you’re serious about never leaving the abode, consider Try The World, a box full of things to eat from all over the world. You won’t be actually going to these places ever.
2. You’ll Need to Bathe
Amazon will deliver all your toiletries, duh, but you might want to sign up for face-friendly automatic replenishing goodies like Dollar Shave Club or Dollar Beard Club, depending on your facial hair needs. Forgot tampons, and Aunt Flo is already here? Sign up for Lola, and 100 percent cotton tampons will be at your door before you bleed. And, if you’re trying to improve your quality of life, try a monthly beauty package like Birchbox box (for men and women) that will help you try new face creams, scents, makeup, and hair shit. If nothing else, Birchbox will just make you feel better, since you might be tempted to stop showering altogether.
3. You’ll Need to Clean
Sure, you might have all the time in the world to clean, but will you? Probably not. Hire some people from Handy to get the job done for you. And they can fix things around the house and do your laundry; so no need to spend every day wasted washing shit. If your place needs a little sprucing up, design experts Laurel and Wolf and Houzz upgrade your space and personally shop for new things.
4. You’ll Need to Drink
Get adult beverages delivered whenever possible with Drizly, or join Craft Beer Club or a ClubW. If you want to make fancy drinks, use this Mixology app. Or, throw a party with your homeys in your super clean house with your face covered in fancy lotion and play Heads Up.
5. You’ll Need to Get High
Get weed delivered any time, any place (usually) with Nugg, Meadow, Weedmaps, and Speed Weed (sadly, not for speed though). Tip well since this non-drug dealer could easily become your new best friend and favorite delivery person, and there’s a tipping app for that too.
6. You’ll Need to Get Dressed
This seems like an easy task, but once you are on day five of this life, you will find that wearing the same tattered sweat pants is your new normal. First, unfettered sweatpants are the easiest way to go crazy and gain 100 pounds in a month. So opt in for Stitch Fix or Bombfell (or really any stupid monthly box of clothes) and have new garb delivered right to your door. And, you can send back what you don’t like; so really you can just play dress up and feel great for a day or two before returning back to said gross pants. New clothes are helpful when your mother comes over to check on you.
7. You’ll Need to Work Out
If you truly want to enjoy logging quality hours on the couch, you’ll need to at least try to work out too. Exercise will keep you sane, and you know, make you a real person. Whether you do free yoga on your kitchen floor, or sign up for Daily Burn to do intense bodyweight workouts each day, you will thank yourself. Or you could just get an impressive Peloton Bike delivered right to your door. The Peloton simulates actually riding a bike outside, which you are adamantly refusing to do. And sign up for Apple Health to track your sleep, take your blood pressure, and check your heart rate. Or talk to a doctor online and get a prescription delivered by a Task Rabbit.
8. You’ll Need Entertainment
ICYMI, most TV and movie apps don’t give a shit if you use someone else’s login. (Especially HBOGO). You should have Hulu, Netflix, HBO GO, Amazon Prime, Crackle, PornHub, and YouPorn. And, reading on your computer or tablet is a great way to go, because Kindle offers free books, and most of the time you can download books as PDFs with just a simple Google search. Podcasts also take up time and are actually really entertaining. Also, you should join a game, where you interact with other humans like Pot Farm or Words With Friends. Draft Kings and Fan Duel might be fun if you love gambling and/or maybe going to prison.
9. You’ll Need Companionship
If Craigslist is not your vibe, get on Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, The League (only if you’re really hot), Grindr, High There, Chatroulette, Skype. You’ll want to keep up on important dates and birthdays so you remain part of society, and there’s Timely, The Sweet Setup, and Wanderlust to keep you on track. And send flowers to your mom on her birthday, or use Bouqs to have fresh cut flowers delivered to your door to spruce up the place.
10. You’ll Need Taco Bell
Taco Bell delivers now; so there’s no excuse to ever leave your house again.