How to Party at Your Parents’ House in Your Thirties

No shame, really.

Let’s be honest, you and me both don’t have enough money to own a house in our thirties. If you do, you might live in the middle of nowhere, in which case your whole life must be a drunken/weed rage anyway; so no need to read on.

I’m in my thirties, and I have only one friend who owns a house—well, a townhouse. She throws fun parties. But for the rest of us, strapped in coupledom or single and mingling, we still love a good house party. But I can assure you that no one wants to party in my old, 500-square-foot apartment with a dorm-sized refrigerator. Fuck, I don’t want to party there.

But there is a solution, an adult-decision type of solution, that if you’re already well into your thirties and you don’t own a place with a goddamn small patio, that you could try.

Ask your parents.

Surprisingly, in your thirties, your parents are happy to take a free dinner someplace nice and a movie, while you utilize their insanely large kitchen, living room, and backyard area for a day. And it’s not like high school where they give a fuck if you are smoking the reefer or getting crazy drunk—because, well, now you can mostly contain yourself and get real fucked-up, quietly, and sitting in a comfy backyard chair. Also, parents really like all this company and, for some reason, still love having their kids (and their friends) around from time to time.

A few rules should be honored though, and keep in mind that using your parent’s house for a raging party is actually the best idea you’ve ever had.

RULES

1. Utilize the real kitchen and cook real things. 

Now’s the time to try out every single Pinterest-ready recipe you can think of. And this time, you’ll actually have time to use a real kitchen, with real appliances, and actual counter space. Don’t waste this party time by ordering out. And, it’s a good excuse to spend some time with Mom or Dad in the kitchen pre-party. They like that kind of thing. And, people like home-cooked foods, and will be especially impressed with you.

2. Expect people to make a fucking mess. 

Okay, it’s still a party, so do expect at least one person to vomit hard in the bushes and another to leave a small turd in the toilet. Encourage people to clean up after themselves, and/or remind them that babies/prego people/parents might and will be present at some point. If that all fails, put these giant mess makers in a fucking Uber. And, designate a few close friends beforehand who will help clean at the end of the night. Those people won’t be as annoyed as you think—they might even feel like party hosts!

3. Invite your parents to join in at the end of the party. 

You have to invite your parents. You just do. They like this idea anyway, and they feel really fucking special that their house can be of use, since you haven’t given them grandchildren or a wedding. They will appreciate the drunks and probably knock back a few themselves. Let them change up the music or jump in the pool. Parents can be good-time high people, and have probably smoked way more than you, my friend.

4. Get day wasted, not 4:00 A.M.-drunk.

Throw a day party. This allows people to stop in and bounce by nighttime (because they might have cooler plans anyway), and it keeps the party on day buzz instead of night rage. Hopefully, most of your mid-thirties friends will be tossed by 9:00 p.m. and want to go puke at their own homes by then. This gives Mom and Dad ample time to watch you clean up, throw up, and then give them their entire clean house back. Surely they’ll be up gossiping all night about which of your friends is a total slut and which deserves better.

5. Invite the neighbors, and weird Aunt Millie. 

This isn’t your house; so don’t be such a dick about it. The more the merrier, especially the more old people. Old people love talking to mid-thirties people, trust me. And also, your neighbors will be less likely to throw shade at your parents when your bff is puking on the lawn.

6. Share your weed and booze with your parents. 

This is a no brainer. Your parents want to feel included, and they want your weed. Encourage them to take a hit off the group joint or rally them for tequila shots. They’ll let loose and be more eager to let you have another party in their home again. And, this is good, because you will probably never have a home of your own.

7. Go home to your own place at the end of the night. 

Do not, EVER, stay the night at your parents house after a party. It ruins the whole vibe and they’ll be less likely to invite you back for more parties. They might be a lil wine drunk and want some skin-to-skin time. They don’t want you there for that. Clean up, buck up, and go the fuck home. You can at least afford a ride home, that’s for sure.

Last, realize that you are the kind of person who wants to throw a party at your parents’ house. Then embrace it and ask for all the help/weed/friends/twinkle lights you can get.

Repurposed thanks to Kindland.

Crissy Van Meter is the managing editor at Nouvella Books and the founding editor of Five Quarterly. Her writing has appeared in VICE, Catapult, Guernica, Bustle, ESPN, The Hairpin, Golly, VIDA, and more. Her debut novel is forthcoming from Algonquin Books.
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