Texting With Fuccbois: The Buffy Edition

Fooled once? Ask yourself, ‘What would Buffy do?’ Now do it.

One of the baddest bitches in television, and a great super hero in her own right, Buffy the Vampire Slayer did not take any shit from anyone. She straight up murdered the love of her life to save the world and hate-fucked another vampire because she was depressed, only to cast him aside once she found her sense of self-worth.

I can think of no woman better to fend off the daily deluge of messages from fuccbois than the queen of sarcasm and Joss Whedon-esque quips, BTVS herself.

fuccboi (n) — Annoying, perverted, irrelevant men.
ex: “Omg, that guy asked me for nudes last week, he is such a fuccboi.” 

or
fuckboy (n) — A manipulating dick who does whatever it takes to benefit him, regardless of who he screws over. They will screw over anyone and everyone as long they get what they want.
ex: That fuckboy Seth made me sleep outside in the cold so he could try to get some from Susan, who was blacked out drunk as shit, barfing all night. 

 

To understand how to respond to a fuccboi, you must quickly identify what type he is and what his motivations are (as in what he wants from you) and act accordingly. While many men are on the Fuccboi Spectrum, only the dicks at the high end need attention. The ones on the low end will either never reach full-blown fuccboi status or are trainable yet.

You don’t necessarily need to stop hanging out with/fucking low-grade fuccbois. It is imperative that you know what you’re dealing with. Don’t get hurt, robbed, sexually assaulted or think you’re in a relationship when you’re not. Okay, here we go.

The “Actually” Fuccboi

This guy will follow you on social media and occasionally give you backhanded compliments (i.e.: not lookin’ too bad in those leggings I can tell you’ve started squatting) and will reply, “Actually, this is the reason you’re wrong” to any informational post you might do. In a text, he’ll back it up with screenshots and quotes, which will always take a minute to show up because he’s looking up the information himself as you text.

It’s a form of negging. It’s something tiny baby bitch boys do to assert their dominance over you intellectually because they can tell from your pictures that you’re out of their league. These are the guys that troll girls who refer to themselves as nerds with questions like, “Oh, you’re a nerd? Okay then, what was the fighter pilot’s name in The Empire Strikes Back who flew into the Death Star at minute 47 in the movie, huh?”

If you feel the need to correct me on this example, you’re a fuccboi. You can’t win against him, even if you’re right; so just block his number and move on.

The Ghost Convo Fuccboi

This guy will strike up a conversation with you and text back hot and heavy for a few minutes and then just stop replying, sometimes after he’s asked you a question and you’ve answered it. Sometimes after you’ve sent him a racy half-nude. Feels great. He can go hours, days, or even months without contacting you and will randomly hit you with a “hey” (all lowercase, always lowercase) way past an appropriate response time.

When you call him out on how long it’s been, he’ll act like you’re a stalker. The best way to end this communication is to cut it off and block his number.

The “Netflix and Chill” Fuccboi

This guy doesn’t want to get to know you and doesn’t want to hear your thoughts on anything. When he invites you over to Netflix and chill he means he’ll put something loud on in the background so he can watch it and you can have something to listen to while you suck his dick. This isn’t a cuddle session, or a get-to-know-you date; this is strictly for sex. He will want you to leave when it’s done.

He might text you again, but it’ll either be for the same thing or he’ll ask for your Netflix password. Don’t waste Uber money on this asshole—watch Netflix at home and keep scrolling until you find a guy who knows how to ask you out and take you on a date like a gentleman.

The Sweet Talking Fuccboi

This guy knows how to target your insecurities and turn them into buckets of gold that he wants to devour. Are your eyebrows uneven? He’ll tell you they look like a German swimsuit model’s. Do you have cellulite? He’ll let you know he likes to watch it move on you. Do you have a lisp? He thinks it’s cute. He’ll literally say anything nice to get you to meet up, and he’s usually gross. The chances of him actually meaning the nice things he’s saying are 1 in 100. Ignore, or be flattered at your peril. If you piss him off, he will flip on you and use the same thing he was complimenting you about to try to cut you down. Keep your back up, kitten, because it’s easy to fall prey to this guy.

The Negger Fuccboi

Calm down, I spelled that correctly. This is the guy who’s read The Game and knows that if you’re an asshole, most girls will fall at your feet; so he negs you right off the bat. He’ll offer to buy you a drink and then let you know your dress is a little casual. He might tell you you should cut your hair shorter or drink less red wine so it doesn’t stain your lips. He wants you to feel embarrassed; so he has power over you and thus makes you want to have sex with him. This works…A LOT. Often. Most of the time. It’s sad how drawn we are to “assholes” who are really just dudes using this insane technique. Take the neg, neg him back, and move on with your life.

Some day some guy will tell you he likes your hair and won’t say anything about your frizz factor or that you need to touch up your roots.

The Freud Fuccboi

Why does this guy ask you what your dad does for a living and if he’s in your life? Maybe he wants to stalk you harder, maybe he’s genuinely curious, but more than likely he wants to diagnose you and box you in some textbook classification under “daddy issues” so he can mansplain any issues you have with him by comparing you to others in your situation from textbooks or, let’s face it, online Buzzfeed quizzes.

What Kind Of Daddy Issues Do YOU Have? Take this quiz and find out! Congratulations, you should be a stripper carrying around an 1800s steam punk for all those issues! Gag me with a spoon, because this guy fucking sucks. Don’t give too much info off the top. Be sure to hit him back with his mommy issues if you can. Otherwise, just frighten him.

Are you sensing a theme here? Boys will try many tactics to get you to text back. It’s all the means to one end: Fucking you. If they can’t have physical sex with you then they want to fuck with your head and make you doubt yourself.

Buffy knows she’s the chosen one. You should, too. I’m not a slayer, I just fuck a lot…of nice guys. Guys with souls are out there, if even they aren’t Angels (you see what I did there).

Adrienne Airhart is an L.A.-based comedian who is maybe a little too obsessed with linguistics, psychedelics, cannabis and aliens.
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