NSFW on wheels, is what if.
Did you know that you can wrap a van or truck with any image you want on Ford’s website? Holy shit, I thought, I can make the most fucked-up van ever. I learned about this service from jalopnik.com, which held an informal contest a couple of years ago to determine who could create the most ridiculous Ford vehicle. Ford itself had wrapped one of their vans with a Sharknado movie poster image. Whacky! The winner of the jalopnik contest, however, did much better: They wrapped a van with the infamous nude centerfold of Tom Selleck from Cosmopolitan magazine back in the ’70s—just a giant, hairy, nude dude covering the whole side of a van. Nice work.
My first thought, though, was, I can do better. For one thing, while Mr. Selleck is nude, it’s not full frontal male nudity. So below are a few of my attempts at making the most horrible Ford van possible.
Lil Baby Boy Ass Fucker
Okay, let’s just get the worst one out of the way first. Because if you’re going to show male nudity, let’s show some fucking male nudity. Unfortunately, this one is a little too unsettling to display here because it’s a picture of a hairy, yet very well groomed, man lying on his back while another fellow jams his ding-ding into his boom-boom. I would be curious to know if there was anyone in the world who would actually wrap this image around a van. Bi-curious? Maybe.
That Asshole’s Van
The Asshole Van is for asshole drivers. “Look at that fucking asshole.” I think I might be an asshole driver, I’m not sure? No, I am. But this wrap alerts other drivers that the person piloting this vehicle is a REAL ASSHOLE. Note: If I were to actually get this vehicle wrapped with this imagery—and I did submit it, along with a couple others here, for a quote (no response at press time)—I would probably be a little more minimal and just get the back door anus image. (Remember: if it’s for medical purposes, it’s not porn; it’s educational.)
The Boobie Van
I’m not a huge fan of Fu Manchu or anything, but this one reminded me of their song “Boogie Van.” Except it’s the Boobie Van. Who wouldn’t be stoked to see the Boobie Van rollin’ on down the line?
Eat Shit and Die
The Eat Shit Van is an extension of the “How’s my driving? Dial 1-800-EAT-SHIT” bumper sticker. Not only does it tell everyone else on the road to “EAT SHIT,” but it is emblazoned with a very graphic passage from Thomas Pynchon’s Gravity’s Rainbow in which a dominatrix takes a poop in the Brigadier’s mouth. And he swallows it. So he eats shit. It’s pretty gnarly. I also enjoy the idea of providing other commuters with some reading material while they’re stuck in traffic, although I probably could have picked something a little more pleasant—but that’s not the point here, is it? This is the company vehicle for Eat Shit Inc., and Eat Shit Inc. is the industry leader in totally harshing your mellow. (You can look for the Gravity’s Rainbow dirty parts here.)
The Gary Van
That’s my dead cat, Gary. When he was alive, I really wanted to have him airbrushed on the tailgate of my truck, kind of like those massive RVs that have those weird murals of orcas, or wolves, or bald eagles, or lions chilling in the Serengeti. I could never decide what scene to put Gary in. I was leaning toward something with a Mexican flair. I thought he’d look good with a slutty Aztec warrior princess. But, as you can see, I went with dolphins. The Gary Van isn’t so much horrible as it is just stupid, and the stupidest (read: best) part of this van is that I incorporated a dead cat into the design when I have a perfectly wonderful, totally alive dachshund as a companion now. When he dies, he’ll get his own van, too.
The Penis Vangina
After enjoying the pattern wrap on the Boobie Van, and the immature medical imagery on That Asshole’s Van, I combined the two concepts here with a pattern of medical illustrations of penises and vaginas. It sort of reminds me of the marble floors made of cured meats by the artist Wim Delvoye (which would also make an excellent van graphic). But it also reminds me of penises and vaginas, two things that a curiously large number of people would prefer we forget we have. Penis. Vagina. Never forget.
Wim Delvoye, Marble Floor, 2000
You can buttfuck the shit out of your own customized Ford van here.
Repurposed from Kindland with thanks.