What Kind of Crybaby Are You?

One thing’s for sure: It isn’t pretty.

To find out what kind of crier you are, ask yourself a few questions:

1. Are you human?

2. Do your eyes leak water?

3. Have you ever, at least once, been sad?

If you answered  “yes” to any of these questions, then, congratulations! You ugly cry. You do, I promise. Because everyone does. And, at some point, you’ve probably combined all the types of crying into one, awful fit.

Examine these types of criers below, and for fun, think of all the different combinations of these faces you’ve replicated in your own life. For even more excitement, try to remember all the sad things that have happened to you and practice a better cry face. Maybe one like Rhianna. 

The Hyperventilater

You are always on the verge of throwing up because you are sucking in so much air at one time. Your sadness sounds like lamaze. Get it together, you tool!

The Tissue Dabber

You constantly dab your face, eyes, nose, and armpits with a tissue to wipe up tears, sweat, and pain. Please stop carrying around crumbled tissues in your car and pockets; it’s fucking gross.

The Slow Meltdown

You keep your cool, until your eyes well up, and the tears flood your face. Before you know it, you are having a full-on meltdown. Do not play with sharp objects, okay?

The Calm Crier

Your face says you’re fine, but your eyes are leaking pure pain. Though you’re the coolest crier, you always seem like a real bitch.

The Drunk

Booze makes you cry, happy and sad tears, and you can’t control it after three drinks. Basically, Christmastime is spent with a bottle and a well full of emotions and tears.

The Moved Person

Feeling inspired? Bring on the tears…

The Dry Cry

Your eyes well up from sheer pain, but those salty drops never fall. You probably are faking most of the time, because you care about NOTHING.

The Mumbler

No one knows why you are crying. We can’t understand you over those sobbing mumbles. You’re like a toddler, but worse, because you are an adult human who can’t articulate a fucking thing. HOW CAN WE HELP YOU!?

The Botox Cry

Wait, are you really crying?

The Devil-Eye Cry

You’re so sad that the black part of your soul leaks out. Good for dramatic effect, and breakups.

The Kim Cry

Keep your makeup on, NO MATTER WHAT, and cry it out. Part your fake lips, and then imagine lemon juice has been squirted into your eyes.

Crissy Van Meter is the managing editor at Nouvella Books and the founding editor of Five Quarterly. Her writing has appeared in VICE, Catapult, Guernica, Bustle, ESPN, The Hairpin, Golly, VIDA, and more. Her debut novel is forthcoming from Algonquin Books.
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