You Are What You Eat, Which Is Garbage

Just because it fits in your mouth doesn’t mean you should swallow it.

Food is the best. The bee’s knees. The cat’s meow…literally the reason we’re alive and blogging. You can eat it alone or with friends. It’s always there for you, to comfort you in the tough times and fill you with love. But, just like with sexual partners, it’s on you to decide what you put inside you, and you must choose wisely.


There are a lot of weird fad diets out there. A lot of doctors and nutritionists are telling you what to eat and what will give you cancer. They contradict themselves a lot and end up confusing the general public (while simultaneously being paid by food group lobbyists for corporations like Monsanto). We don’t know who to trust.

How do we look at the back of a food item and decipher the code to determine which mushy, sugary lump to mash into our maws and fill our glorious temples with sustenance? How do we decide the rate at which we let our arteries deteriorate, clogged into suffocation by the tasty, irresistible morsels pumped into our psyches via sexual advertisements?

Adherents watch their friends eat bread and donuts. They nibble on carrots and drink gluten-free beer. These are the people who care.

Some of us do research and choose a way to live. We live that life like it’s a religion.

Everything becomes more palatable when it has a title: vegans, pescatarians, gluten-free, vegetarians, paleo, paleovegan, cretaceous, mesozoic (okay, I might be making these up now) are all diets that people adhere to with the belief that it will keep them alive and mobile indefinitely. The confines of the diet make people feel safe. The diet affords some notion of food-intake control in a helter skelter world of garbage nutrition.

Adherents forage for wild herbs and collect nettle plants to pound into pesto.They order burgers with lettuce for a bun with extra bacon. They pick the cheese off of pizza and munch on it in a self-aggrandizing, masochistic manner. They watch their friends eat bread and donuts. They nibble on carrots and drink gluten-free beer. These are the people who care.

Now, whether they actually care about their bodies, their temples, or they just want to be worshipped for their self-control is open to debate. But why quibble? They’re trying. With the exception of paleo people—who consume more meat than most wolves and sustain the most bizarre, crossfit-induced injuries you’ve ever seen—these fad diet-followers are trying to make it right within themselves. Kudos.

Some of us just gave the fuck up.

Why bother to try and eat healthy when the man is just trying to poison us into submission anyway, huh? Hot dog and nachos to the face? Okay. Donuts with cow flesh and cheese? Hell yes. Deep-fried Twinkies and insulin bags? Gimme.

We drive through McDonald’s and don’t even try to order the “healthy” options. We just want those fries and that salty-ass burger. I had a rough day, we tell ourselves. In our hot-boxed cars of sulfuric, delicious poison, we whisper softly: It’s my period. I can splurge.

We crank ourselves up with fake sugars like Splenda that are pretty much accepted as cancer-causing. We eat Kind bars and other “healthy” granola bars filled with preservatives that leave us hungry in 20 minutes. We eat fruits and veggies that were made in a lab. We eat genetics that are actually patented by a huge corporation.

There are those of us who choose a happy medium.

Some of us want to have kids and grandkids and live to see the world swallowed up by its melting ice caps; so we look at the backs of food items at the grocery store, sometimes for hours at a time (depending on how high we are), trying to decide the lesser of two evils, essentially.

We “cheat” with sugary cereals and then make amends with a salad. We are the middle class of eaters who try to balance tastiness (which equals happiness) and healthiness (which equals a lowered sense of impending doom).

“Try to eat healthy, but don’t go crazy!” is the motto for these medium-level healthy eaters.

For those who are trying to exist in the middle, surviving on home-cooked meals and sugar-free snacks while attempting to order healthily at a restaurant (you can’t, it’s basically illegal), the best you can do is avoid the poison. You cave and eat a salad with sugared pecans on it.

Don’t drink Monster. Don’t add fake sugar to your coffee. Try not to eat too much meat. If you need motivation, visit a petting zoo or watch a scary Netflix food documentary.

Remember: It’s always easier when you find someone who’s into eating what you’re into eating. Also remember: You really are what you eat.


Adrienne Airhart is an L.A.-based comedian who is maybe a little too obsessed with linguistics, psychedelics, cannabis and aliens.
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